“Our brother called it ‘silver service with a Playboy club of the sixties yanked by the scruff of its neck into the twenty-first century’.” says the other woman.
“Did he now. I’m surprised he’d ever been in one. How did he handle your latest dress style? I guess it saves on laundry bills.”
“He managed to talk to my face for most of our conversation, actually. I was quite surprised all things considered. What’s with your new outfit? Have you joined the Ghosts?”
“Not at all. Sometimes a shiny catsuit is just a shiny catsuit, my dear.”
“Really. So that is just a shiny catsuit then?”
“Well, no. Not completely. There are a few features. My daughter let slip where the source of the material they used on the Ghost suits was to be found, and I decided it had better be secured against possible misuse. Of course, one naturally then starts considering what other variances of their original plan might be viable. And Voilà! We have the new standard issue officer uniform in the Imperial Space Navy. High protection value, self repairing, vacuum resistant, shape shift compatible, Abyss resistant, non sentient living armoured shiny catsuit.”
“Nice. Were the losses heavy during testing?”
“Not at all. We have a new testing environment now. Nobody at all died during the concept development, and now we are in voluntary field testing and are having high success rates.”
“I can’t see it catching on with my House. Hell Maids like to show off skin too much.”
“And it would seem you are setting a fine example. Is there anything at all on you that is not metal?”
“No. Not currently. Some gold, a little fine woven mithril chain, dragon skin boots obviously.”
“Was the dragon anybody we knew?”
“Non-sentient. Present from my daughter, who was feeling guilty about the assassination attempt by her daughter. She took a hunting party out and they brought back enough hide to kit out the whole of High Command with new boots and tack.”
“I will never understand Thelbane. Twenty five thousand years of civilisation on the one hand, and yet you’re wandering around naked except for a chain mail thong and boots made from the hide of something you caught and butchered yourselves.”
“Is that any different from your Empire where on the one hand you have a high tech space navy, and on the other hand you have weekly arena battles to the death and slave auctions where your young citizens have to voluntarily sell themselves for five years to get enough cash to set up a business?”
“OK, so we both live in incomprehensible societies. What has that got to do with your invite to dinner? And why are we dining in Blackhall of all places? You do realise that our Empire’s greatest enemy is sitting in a booth just in the next room being blown by his step daughter? By rights I ought to be sacrificing myself to go in there and rip their heads off or die trying?”
“I wouldn’t recommend it. That’s why we are here. Protection and privacy. Secrets remain secrets. He has his conversations, we have ours. I need to talk to you about my House, to solicit your advice and opinion on a plan I have conceived.”
“Do you now? Well, let us sit, drink, eat, and then speak. Your tab, I assume?”
“So. Are you ready to listen yet? I look at you and me, and I see very little difference in size, weight, strength, and yet you just ate more than twice what I did. Are you pregnant?”
“No. Thank you for asking, sister dear. I doubt that will be happening again any time soon. I have given up on marital pleasures in favour of martial pleasures.”
“Oh, yes. I remember now. The curse of Nathan. How’s that going for you?”
“It’s manageable. In an Empire the size of ours, it’s not difficult to procure a stable of red collars that I can keep with me for when things become difficult. My aides are getting used to watching for the signs and making sure I am made aware when it is time. Thus far, I have avoiding becoming the type of murdering officer that Nathan was.”
“I admire you, sister. Only you could be quite so methodical and pragmatic about the fact that you now carry a curse that forces you to become a serial killer. And only in your Empire could you find a way to service that curse and yet remain entirely within the law.”
“Well, it does help that I’m military, and military are responsible for executing capital criminals.”
“Like I said, methodical and pragmatic. Well versed in taking unpleasant decisions and making them work to the greater good. That kind of makes a good lead in to the topic I wanted to discuss with you.”
“Yes, I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to get around to whatever it is. Come on, sister. Lay it on me.”
“I became concerned about the succession to my House. The only daughter I have that is active in the House is 112 on the Wellesley scale. Between Borell, Odin and the other children of our mother, there are at least ten who are active in the House who score higher than her, and nine of them could easily decide to challenge her for it. I suppose the tenth could too, but being a man, he’d be unlikely to hold it for long.”
“An accurate assessment. I concur. If you go down, Ylva is fucked unless she steps aside.”
“And then we look at my descendants that are outside the House. And our mother’s descendants Outside the House. We particularly look at the vast number of Helgrams that came from my marriage to Duke Graeme. And there is always you.”
“Me? What about me?”
“Sister. You score higher on the Wellesley scale than any of those ten in the House. Would you step in and try to take it? Don’t answer that – it is a rhetorical question.”
“Rhetorical eh? Interesting. It didn’t sound rhetorical when you first started this discussion. So if it is a rhetorical question, then what is it that you actually wanted to ask?”
“How would you react if it were to be revealed that I had a previously unknown heir that could more than adequately lead my House to greatness if I fell?”
“How would I react? Very interesting question. Let me think it through. I am bound up to the worlds and creations of Roland Helgram. I work well with your House when our paths cross, but our interests only combine occasionally. I might have stepped in to prevent a reality disturbing succession war, but if the matter is settled without that being necessary, I would in all likelihood have done nothing about it, other than to perhaps be sad at your passing. But I think you’re forgetting someone slightly more significant than me, with whom you probably should have been having this conversation.”
“I don’t think I’m following you – who are you talking about?”
“My firstborn daughter. Who I am sure you have not failed to notice, is ranked top on the Wellesley scale, not only amongst the living, but also on the all-time record.”
“Why would I need to talk to her? She’s never had anything to do with the House. In fact, she’s off supporting that new Logrus realm that is resolutely demonstrating its total independence from everything Thelbane. And she would presumably not have gone over you to challenge for it?”
“I had a feeling you might have forgotten. She doesn’t need to challenge. She is the heir presumptive to your House. If a new unknown heir were to come along, she is the one that would be being displaced.”
“How come?”
“Your first born child was Gregory Helgram. Male, former Head of House Helgram, who could not rule your House. But his line could. His firstborn child is Roland Helgram. Male, former Head of House Helgram, who cannot rule your House. Bit his line can. His firstborn child. Well, let us say that he was my first and I was his first. And our daughter was both our firsts. By direct descent, she is the senior female of your line, and many would say that there is an interpretation of the laws of Swayville, modified for female rule, that puts her as your heir.”
“Fuck. Yes, you’re right. I’d forgotten who your baby daddy was. Are you sure about her ranking?”
“Positive. Unlike you, once I realised that while my one true love loved me, I was not his one true love, I decided that my second born child should be by my next closest male love, which was our brother. He gave me a daughter, and he also gave me his power to make those assessments myself. I think I might have also turned him off the idea of incest, sorry sister dear, because strangely, he didn’t get anything out of our union except for having his world rocked. I taught him probably the most relevant lesson he could ever learn as a son and brother of women of your House, which is that we take and do not necessarily give back. We have remained very close, oddly. I think I may be closer to him than I am to you.”
“Sister. I do not like this news. I do not like that you took our brother and gave back nothing. I do not like that you have reminded me about your first born daughter. I like even less that you have told me about your second born and how she came to be.”
“What can I say, sister. Our mother had bitches for daughters. You are not the only one capable of scheming behind your sister’s back. And far be it from me to mention that your actual Hell-Vice-Marshall in your own House is the other of our sisters. We three, the daughters our mother had by the sons of Cymnea. Have you had this discussion with her yet?”
“She is loyal. She will accept what is to happen.”
“Will she? Has it occurred to you to wonder why she is marrying the previously unremarkable son of Brand of Amber, who many in Thelbane call the Great Traitor? Perhaps she has a grand scheme of her own. She has been in Thelbane all this time. Hell, she has 3 millennia more life experience than me.”
“You know what? Fuck you sister! I am hereby informing you that there is an heir apparent to my House that displaces all others, and that if you challenge her, she will crush you beneath her feet. I will inform your firstborn daughter of this fact myself. Whether you chose to or not, I care not. And you will not contact our sister about this. I will also do that. Go against me on this and I will consider it a challenge against me, and I will crush you beneath my feet. I really hope you do. I will relish punishing you for what you did to our brother!”
“Oh, this is too beautiful. Now I understand. You are jealous. You were pining in agony for our brother and I had him. Calm yourself sister. He is not my true love, and I am not his. But unless my guess is very much mistaken, he is not yours either. Our mother always avoided letting her heart sway her mind when it came to strategy and tactics, and I do hope you can do the same. Otherwise, whatever this scheme that you are planning is, it will be flawed spectacularly. Ask our brother if he has regrets for anything he and I have ever done. Oh wait? Let me think. Yes that is it. Whatever your scheme is, it involves our brother. Oh my yes. This heir of yours? She’s his, isn’t she? Oh sister! Welcome to the club.”
“Fuck you! Yes. She is his. We are no longer in accord sister!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake! Curse of Nathan, remember? You’re welcome to him if you can claim him. We’re just friends. He’s not my true love, and I’m not his. It was a thing, and then it was over. There have been many more since, until I got this curse. Do not go to war with me over this. Otherwise your heir might find herself settling matters with my heir over both our graves. Leave the past where it belongs. The future has enough trouble to keep both of us occupied.”
“Sister! Leave the past where it is. Never were more wise words spoken. I accept your counsel. Let us depart at peace and leave the past where it is. I love you and I hate you. It is as it has always been!”